Curse words as a concept are hilarious.

*clips on Fitbit and allows GPS location on phone

— Lisabug BBQJones @Lisabug74 May 16, 2016

Dating multiple people is a fantasy all 20 somethings have before they realize everyone is terrible

— Brittani Nichols @BisHilarious May 15, 2016

*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*

— Marta Effing Ketchup @MartaEffing May 17, 2016

Relationship status: I view this guys profile on Linked In then he views mine.

— Kelley @youlooklikeamom May 17, 2016

I love pap smears because you re just sitting there, chatting about the weather, pretending someone s hand isn t inside your vagina.

— Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat May 13, 2016

ER Doc: *Applies burn dressing to my leg* What happened again?

— AlexaMac Brandes @TheWoodenslurpy May 14, 2016

I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because his leaves are getting on our lawn.

— Linda Holmes @nprmonkeysee May 18, 2016

*opens Twitter*

*reads something about the election*

*has a mild panic attack*

*goes back to watching Netflix*

*repeat*

— Emma Gray @emmaladyrose May 18, 2016

I need to be able to sing the line who runs the world and immediately hear girls or honestly I don t feel safe in that space

— Stephanie Mickus @smickable May 16, 2016

very white man voice What if I don t want MY LITTLE GIRL to have to go to into a bathroom where a prejudiced bigot could just WALK in

— Dana Schwartz @DanaSchwartzzz May 19, 2016

My version of a continental breakfast is Prozac and birth control

— Rachel Bloom @Racheldoesstuff May 20, 2016

When you find a strikingly long hair behind your knee that your first Venus evidently missed and just fell through the cracks for 15 years

— Amanda Duberman @AmandaDuberman May 18, 2016

Being a feminist doesn t mean you hate men, it means you can walk through walls and can never die

— Anna Drezen @annadrezen May 20, 2016

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