Curse words as a concept are hilarious.
*clips on Fitbit and allows GPS location on phone
— Lisabug BBQJones @Lisabug74 May 16, 2016
Dating multiple people is a fantasy all 20 somethings have before they realize everyone is terrible
— Brittani Nichols @BisHilarious May 15, 2016
*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*
*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
— Marta Effing Ketchup @MartaEffing May 17, 2016
Relationship status: I view this guys profile on Linked In then he views mine.
— Kelley @youlooklikeamom May 17, 2016
I love pap smears because you re just sitting there, chatting about the weather, pretending someone s hand isn t inside your vagina.
— Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat May 13, 2016
ER Doc: *Applies burn dressing to my leg* What happened again?
— AlexaMac Brandes @TheWoodenslurpy May 14, 2016
I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because his leaves are getting on our lawn.
— Linda Holmes @nprmonkeysee May 18, 2016
*reads something about the election*
*has a mild panic attack*
*goes back to watching Netflix*
— Emma Gray @emmaladyrose May 18, 2016
I need to be able to sing the line who runs the world and immediately hear girls or honestly I don t feel safe in that space
— Stephanie Mickus @smickable May 16, 2016
very white man voice What if I don t want MY LITTLE GIRL to have to go to into a bathroom where a prejudiced bigot could just WALK in
— Dana Schwartz @DanaSchwartzzz May 19, 2016
My version of a continental breakfast is Prozac and birth control
— Rachel Bloom @Racheldoesstuff May 20, 2016
When you find a strikingly long hair behind your knee that your first Venus evidently missed and just fell through the cracks for 15 years
— Amanda Duberman @AmandaDuberman May 18, 2016
Being a feminist doesn t mean you hate men, it means you can walk through walls and can never die
— Anna Drezen @annadrezen May 20, 2016