How can I make this light turn green and escape this introspective hell?
Well, unless you are Seth Green in the remake of The Italian Job, starring Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron, you likely can not just whimsically hacker-man your way into getting the light to turn green.
But, depending on how the intersection is designed, it may be worth it to check out this video from SciShow, which explains the different types of ways green lights are timed and programmed to get you on your way.
Playback isn't supported on this device.
In the video, Hank Green explains the various types of timed lights, which are not as good in my opinion when compared to sensor-activated lights.
Other intersections make use of inexpensive cameras—not those evil speed trap, taxpayer money-grabbing fiends—that monitor the lanes to detect when a car has pulled up.