A survey looking at congestion across the UK has found that car drivers and public transport users are spending longer than ever sitting in traffic, with surface-level commuters in London enduring 40 per cent more time stuck in traffic today than they did back in 2012.

And the busiests stretches of the capital's streets see public transport moving laughably slowly, with buses travelling the most congested routes averaging a speed of just 3.8mph -- around the same as a brisk power walk carried out by a local in a hurry.

The cyclists are to blame, obviously, the luminous little shits, because of the segregated bike lanes that are popping up.

The government's to blame, obviously, the flabby besuited arseholes, because it can't schedule roadworks properly.

Uber is to blame, obviously, the low-paying scumbags, because of all the new minicabs kerb crawling for business.

And you're to blame, you pampered idiot, because all your internet shopping means there are more vans on the road bringing you your sacks of pet food from Amazon.

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