“I would like your problems,” I heard from my parents when I was little. Did I tell that Lyuda promised to build a hut with me, and she herself went to dig a hole with Natasha, did I share that the chick, to which we made a nest under a bush, why it was no longer there, did she complain that I had no one to be with? take a walk in the yard or complained about the letter, which does not want to turn out beautifully - nothing but “I would like your problems”, I don’t remember in response. This does not mean that in childhood they did not sympathize with me, did not love, did not console me. But this is exactly what remained in my memory: “I would like your problems.”
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What can a parent mean by saying such a phrase to a child?
“If you only knew how hard it is to be an adult! What are the challenges you face. I envy your ability to be a carefree child, when you don’t have to make decisions, you don’t have to be responsible for the consequences!”.
“Oh, how tired I am of the burden of responsibility. Be glad that you now have the opportunity to think about where the chick has gone from the nest, or sit quietly typing letters, and not run around looking for suitable boots for the child or trying to decide where to get the money for them.
"All will pass. Your sorrows are not mortal. You will survive this."
"Don't mess with me with your nonsense. Your problems are not worth a damn. Do not burden me, I have a lot of my own problems, and there is no one to solve them for me.
How can a child perceive this phrase?
"Do not become an adult - this ends the joy, lightness, play."
“Being an adult is hard work. It replaces all the interesting things that happened in childhood.”
“Can’t you handle such trifling problems on your own? Is it necessary to load us, already busy, and with much more serious things?
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And also:
I would like your problems = what you talk about does not matter.
I would like your problems = what you do does not matter.
I would like your problems = what you feel doesn't matter.
The phrase "I would like your problems" devalues our existence. De-energizes our lives.
When the dearest, most beloved, most important people for us say it, it affects us. Makes our life not valuable, not important. And then all our lives we try to give ourselves the lost value. Stand up on feet. Walk without staggering. Or at least get going. Live.
How can a child cope with such a lethal effect?
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Not wanting to put up with the fact that he is not valuable, the child can be very loud (so that everyone can hear me), very visible (covering the entire apartment with a layer of toys and refusing to clean up, throwing clothes everywhere where possible and impossible, thus marking the territory) , strive to become the strongest / dexterous / fastest / smartest / tdtp (to notice achievements, stop considering his existence small and unimportant). The child can behave as badly as possible (so that it is impossible not to notice that they talk a lot and often about him, because negative attention is also quite attention itself).
Or maybe he can come to terms with the fact that his life is nonsense and he himself, with his deeds and dreams, thoughts and feelings, is of no interest to anyone.
It is good that we have a choice and we can be accepting, comforting, supportive parents for our children. Confirming their value to us. The value of their lives to them. We can invite a child into our lives by listening carefully to their concerns, empathically accepting their feelings, enthusiastically sharing their dreams with them, taking their thoughts seriously. Showing thereby its value to us. Rejoicing that he is.
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“You are upset that the chick is missing. It hurts you - after all, you tried so hard to make him a cozy nest. You worry if something happened to him. What do you think could happen? You can try to look for a chick, suddenly he is somewhere nearby. Do you want us to do this together?" = I see you, I understand you, I empathize with you, I am ready to help you. Because you are valuable and important to me. Because I love you.
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