How to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem: A Guide

Self-esteem is more than just feeling good about yourself - it is one of the building blocks of mental health, emotional well-being, and personal development. As parents, you have a direct influence on your child's sense of self. Your influence can shape how they view themselves and their abilities. Building your child's self-esteem is an ongoing process that requires intentional effort. Instilling a strong sense of self-worth in your child can lead to higher achievement in academics, better social relationships, and a balanced emotional state. Here are some effective strategies you can use to build your child’s self-esteem.

Praise Effort Rather Than Ability

The way you praise your child can have a significant impact on their self-esteem. The benefits of giving your child a growth mindset are many. A growth mindset is an approach in which you believe that you can develop and improve your abilities by working hard. It promotes a zest for learning, persistence, and resilience. 

Focusing on effort rather than on your child’s inherent qualities can inspire a growth mindset. For example, saying, "You worked hard on that project!", highlights a child’s effort. However, saying, "You're so smart”, focuses on their innate ability. Children who are praised for their effort are more likely to take on new challenges and bounce back from failures. Additionally, they are more comfortable making mistakes, and not letting the setbacks affect their perception of self. 

Be a Positive Role Model

Your behavior serves as a lesson happening in real-time, all the time, to your children. When you handle obstacles gracefully and approach challenges with an open and cooperative attitude, you demonstrate resilience, confidence, and a positive outlook on the world. Be mindful of the language you use to describe yourself and others. Use your own errors to teach your child that it is okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them.

Active Listening and Validation

Children need to feel heard and understood. This doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say, but validating their feelings shows that you respect their point of view. Active listening involves listening to the other person to really hear the message in their words, instead of just waiting your turn to speak. To listen actively, you must suspend judgment or the need to ‘fix’ it. The feedback you provide should be to show that you understand and empathize.

Offer Age-Appropriate Autonomy

Encouraging autonomy can empower children to develop a strong sense of self. Offer choices within a set boundary to help your child exercise their decision-making skills. This could be something as simple as letting them choose their outfit for the day, or allowing them to decide between two snacks. As they get older, you can gradually increase the level of self-responsibility assigned to them. This will help them become competent and give them a sense of independence.

Honest, Clear Communication

Most children are quite perceptive and can tell when something is off, or when something is being hidden from them. Clear, consistent communication creates a secure environment for your child. Include them in the day-to-day, talk to them, tell them things – within age-appropriate boundaries. Avoid sarcasm and statements that are belittling or shaming, as these can have long-lasting impacts on a child's self-perception.

Encourage Social Interactions

Children learn a lot about themselves by interacting with peers. Organized activities and playdates offer social experiences where children can develop interpersonal skills, including conflict resolution and empathy. The security of belonging within a peer group can build a strong sense of self.

Be Realistic and Consistent

While it is natural to want the best for your child, unrealistic expectations can do more harm than good. Be mindful of your child's age and developmental stage when you set expectations. Consistency is equally important - inconsistent rules and expectations can create confusion and insecurity.

Celebrate Individuality

Every child is unique, and it is important that parents, caregivers, teachers, etc., honor individuality. Encourage your child's specific interests and talents and help them explore these passions. This shows your child that you value them for who they are, rather than who you want them to be.

Teach Coping Skills

Learning to cope with adversity and bounce back is an important skill to have. Whether it is a disappointing grade or a conflict with a friend, these experiences offer children teachable moments for emotional regulation, problem-solving, and empathy. 

Love Unconditionally

Perhaps the most critical factor in building your child’s self-esteem is unconditional love. Make sure your child knows that your love is not tied to achievements, behavior, or any other conditions. Hugs, affirming words, and spending quality time together can go a long way in making a child feel secure and valuable. Remember, it is only when a child receives compassion that they are able to offer it to others. 

From the words you choose for praise to the boundaries and freedoms you establish, every action has the potential to shape your child's self-worth. Through consistent, loving, and supportive parenting, you can help lay the foundation for a confident, competent adult.

Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that offer various therapeutic services, including therapy for children, in California. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We offer therapy both in-person and via telehealth. 

FAQs

Why is self-esteem important for children?    

Self-esteem is the foundation for a child’s mental well-being, social interactions, and future life decisions. A child with healthy self-esteem tends to be more confident, resilient, and optimistic when facing challenges.

How can I tell if my child has low self-esteem?    

Signs may include reluctance to try new things, frequent negative self-talk, sensitivity to criticism, withdrawal from social situations, lack of confidence in abilities, and an over-reliance on adults for validation.

Does bullying affect self-esteem?    

Bullying can severely harm a child's self-esteem, making them feel isolated, different, or unlovable. It is essential to address any bullying issues promptly and support your child emotionally.