Children often quarrel among themselves. It's natural. They can fight over a contested game, for seeking attention, for a spite. But also for many other things, which to us adults may seem, apparently, more or less insignificant. But confrontation should not be feared because, if managed correctly, it can turn into a precious opportunity for cognitive, emotional and social growth. Disputes between children are therefore on the agenda. But what is the role of the adult? What to do when children fight? What can be the most functional position of parents and teachers in the face of discussion between children?
DISPUTES BETWEEN CHILDREN: THE CHARACTERISTICS
Quarrels between children are physiological. For children, in fact, fighting is a natural, functional mechanism for growth and development. Arguments between children are very frequent, especially when they are very young. Just think of the siblings' arguments. Who has two or more children knows what is meant by frequent quarrels. Some research shows that, on average, in a kindergarten, children argue even more than a dozen times. Their duration is negligible. After a few minutes, in fact, the children return to play together, safely. Children, often unlike adults, have an innate ability to make peace. Moreover, before the age of six, due to the absence of reversible thinking, children cannot feel revenge and resentment.
So the arguments between children end in a matter of minutes. For these reasons, it is perhaps more correct to speak of bickering rather than real conflicts. Although in our culture the term conflict is often assimilated to that of violence, it is good to highlight how the two terms are, in reality, very different. Obviously, in the clashes between children there is a lot of physicality, because they do not have cognitive and linguistic skills suitable for verbal management of the situation. Intentional violence is absent in children, with the aim of voluntarily hurting the other. Before the age of 7, in fact, children act the emotions they feel, especially when they are very strong and intense.
THE ADULT IN FRONT OF THE DISPUTES BETWEEN CHILDREN
Adults fight every day. In couple, with the neighbor, for a parking lot and for the queue at the post office. For children, however, something different is expected. In fact, children are expected to find an agreement immediately and never fight. For example, a child should immediately share his games with a stranger, without even trying to protest. Often parents and teachers get in the way to avoid any form of bargaining, trying to act as an impartial judge of the situation. In fact, children are asked to accept mediation, because "rightly so". In short, "a little one, and a little the other". Without, however, experiencing why it is being done. In this way, therefore, it becomes a "constriction" from above, which, with great probability,
Quarrels between children are an important formative opportunity for growth. Our society attributes a negative connotation to quarrels, disturbing harmony and balance. A child who quarrels is labeled a "bad boy". The adult intervenes, thus, to restore (impose) the balance, finding the culprit. The phrase "Who started?" speaks volumes about the meaning of conflict in our society. A child who argues, however, is perhaps only a child. A child who is learning to manage relationships. Point.
3 PRACTICAL TIPS FOR MANAGING DISPUTES BETWEEN CHILDREN
Quarrels between children, as we have already said, play an important role for growth. But what can be the role of parents and teachers in the confrontation between children? How to help the little ones manage them better?
WAIT
Although it is difficult, it is important to try not to intervene immediately in quarrels between children. In this way, the children begin to develop attempts to resolve the conflict themselves. If the situation becomes more heated, it can be useful to approach the children and observe them in silence, so as to show them to see what is happening and implicitly urge them to find more effective mediation. It is important that children find a solution on their own, in order to train their mediation skills. It will take some time, but it is important that they learn to know themselves and each other, experimenting with themselves the methods of mediation.
DO NOT JUDGE
Often children request the intervention of the adult as a judge, asking to take sides with one or the other child. The adult, most of the time, intervenes by interrupting the conflict. However, this does not allow them to exercise communication skills and conflict resolution strategies. Listening to children and their point of view without taking a position, on the other hand, allows children to feel understood and to know their own and others' thoughts.
REFLECT
The quarrel is not punished, but the strategies used to try to resolve it can be discussed, especially when it comes to physical acts or verbal confrontation. Helping children to reflect on the emotions they experience, stimulating empathic behavior and comparing themselves on the strategies adopted, proves to be the best solution to help children find effective solutions to the conflict.
EXAMPLE
Another very important aspect and not to be underestimated, moreover, as always, is the example that the adult offers to children. More than scolding and scolding on how to deal with quarrels, in fact, the model that parents and teachers offer them is very important for children. Children need to experience functional ways of managing confrontation, also through those who deal with them.
In conclusion, it is important not to demonize fights between children. Being in relationship necessarily implies meeting and clashing with each other. Quarrels between children should not be repressed. It is from them that confrontation, mediation and sharing are born. Quarrels between children must not be eliminated, but they must be learned to manage. A child who has had the opportunity to experience quarrels and who has learned to manage them, in fact, is more likely to become an adult capable of dealing with frustrations and difficulties in a constructive way.
Reference: CHC50113 Diploma of early Childhood Education and Care
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